just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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