Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
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I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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