There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
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There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
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I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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