I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
