Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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