I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
not ubering you a puppy
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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