I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
