I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
