The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
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all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize