I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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