I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
