I wish I could teleport
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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