he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
