I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
