What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
