There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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