You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
