pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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