Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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