I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm getting married
To pizza
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
