She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
