good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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