best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
