you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
