lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
