you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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