Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
