I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
