Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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