im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
farters have to be the big spoon...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
