I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
