and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Of course I have a pirate flag
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
