You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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