Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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