Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
