Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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