if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
wakey wakey hands off snakey
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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