In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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