Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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