Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
