Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
