I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
