She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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