my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
