I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
