At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.