Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
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Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
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Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her