Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
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It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
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And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.