there's paper in my vomit.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.