I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
