so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
