1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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