just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
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An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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