He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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