I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I came so hard my ears popped.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
