Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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