I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
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She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
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Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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